If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Bob ThavesĪll right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. Those who are good at math, and those who aren’t.“I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.” – Henny Youngman Quotes to Make You Laugh “There are 3 kinds of people in this world. “The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.”Ħ7. “Lache mit vielen, aber vertraue wenigen”Ħ6. “When I get a headache, I take two asprin and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.”Ħ4. “I almost gave a fuck scared the shit out myself.”Ħ3. “My mind is like my internet browser 19 tabs open 3 of them are frozen & I have no idea where the music is coming from”Ħ1. “The most dangerous animal in the world… Is a smiling woman sitting in silence”Ħ0. “The human body is 90% water so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.”ĥ9. “If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”ĥ8. “A cop pulled me over and said “Papers…” I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off.”ĥ7. “The best memories come from bad ideas done with best friends.”ĥ6. “I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. “Sometimes, I use big words I don’t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.”ĥ4. “Every time we try to eat healthily, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday or Tuesday and ruins it for us.”ĥ3. “Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. It isn’t me… I think you’re a fucking idiot.”ĥ1. “Somewhere, somebody out there is thinking of you and the tremendous impact you’ve made on their life. “Who the fuck took my… Oh, here it is…”ĥ0. “My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: “At the end of this ruler there’s an idiot!” I got detention after asking which end.”Ĥ9. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake I feel better already.”Ĥ8. “My therapist told me: the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. “If we’re ever in a situation where I am the “Voice of reason” then we are in a very very bad situation.”Ĥ6. “What starts with ‘P’ and ends with ‘ORN’? Popcorn perv.”ģ5. “I may not be perfect but atleast I’m not you”ģ4. “I don’t understand why people have to ‘get ready’ for bed… I’m always ready for bed!”ģ3. “When you clean the kitchen and ten minutes later the sink is full of dishes”ģ2. “Super cali swagilistic sexy hella dopeness”ģ1. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.”ģ0. “I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee this morning with red bull instead of water. “If I send you my ugly selfies, our friendship is real.”Ģ9. If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” – Winston Churchill funny quoteĢ8. “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee. You’ll discover the funniest lines ever on friends, family, love, women, men, fun (with great images). “You know you’re old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on wheel of fortune.”
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